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Life Journey Reflections » Reflection Stories
We need to feel more
Ponderings- I went "inside" tonight, and asked the child some questions. This is what she said.
What do I fear? Apart from "everything"?
In the car: I fear "bad things happening".
What "bad things"?
(1) Getting booked for speeding or not obeying road rules
(2) having an accident and (1)
(3) Being sued or charged with something for doing something "bad" and spending years paying it off
(4) Hurting or killing somebody (that would be VERY bad)
I fear debt. I fear not being able to pay debts, owing anyone money (or anything else) and the power that it would give them over me. Not paying what you owe is "bad". It is cheating. Someone might get angry. I might be shamed by having a service cut off. People might feel I am not a good person.
I get scared of angry people, especially angry people who believe they are right and I am wrong. What if they ARE right? Does that mean my beliefs or "thinks" are wrong? Does that mean I am wrong? Do they have the right to get angry at me because I disagree? What if I am right? If I stand by my beliefs they may get angry (or more angry) and I will be unacceptable (translate: Bad). I may be "on the outside of the door"- see poem "Wrong Side of the Door".
I feel afraid socially- afraid that if they really knew me I would be "unacceptable"- especially with other women, with whom I often feel "different" and unalike. I don't want to be like many women I know. I don't want to sit with the Mums and talk about "our kids", I get bored at ladies meetings and "go inside" to think or "read" poetry or paint or listen to music or whatever. This is not good. This is antisocial. I should listen to people. I should make them feel good.
Often I don't want to be good. I don't want to have to make someone else feel good, when they could do it themselves. I suspect this proves I am not a good person, even though I am happy to help someone feel good (or at least, a little better) if I sense that they are too hurt or crumpled to do it themselves. Mostly I would rather be talking about (or doing) abseiling, rock-climbing, scuba diving, sky-diving, horse riding, or other fun things (that don't include teams or competitions, because I hate the thought of letting the team down or failing.) Other women think this is weird, or make a fuss of me "You're so BRAVE! I would NEVER do something like that!!" When this happens, I feel uneasy; maybe I am different in a "not so good way". I want to be different from what I see around me because I want to be just ME, but not to attract displeasure, or disapproval. If they disapprove they might make me "fit in". I rarely admit that I like to sew or crochet- this would make me one of them. Maybe they would expect me to be MORE like them. Maybe they would try to MAKE me more like them. Girly... weak and helpless, waiting for a nice man to save me. (It is very frustrating to admit to myself that I can't do some things. Okay, many things. And, yes, it is nice when someone comes and helps. But I don't want to expect them to or hope for them to do so.) If they don't, maybe it was because I wasn't worth it. That's bad.
Um... what else? Well, I fear not being able to protect those under my protection- the children, my pets... I fear being too scared to protect them, too intimidated to stand between them and someone who wants to hurt them.
I fear giving up and walking away and regretting it later on... I fear quitting, when if I'd only held on a little longer, or tried a little harder, things would have worked out... giving up hope and stopping caring or loving- I never want to stop caring and trying and loving. To do that would be to lose myself.
I don't want to put on weight. Weight is bad. Weight is your husband finding you unattractive, and falling in love with someone else, your sisters reminding you that you "once looked like a model, but look at you now..." Weight is your father calling you "tubby" in front of people.
I don't want to look voluptuous and curvaceous- men might want to seduce me and hurt me. I want to look strong and capable, mainly because inside I'm afraid I'm not. If people think I'm weak and easily pushed, they might push me. I don't want them to push, just in case.
I AM TERRIFIED OF SOMEONE TRYING TO FORCE THEIR WILL ON ME OR MAKE ME SOMETHING I AM NOT. If I am not, I can only pretend, to please them, and then, sooner or later I will fail and disappoint them. Then they will tell me I am not who they thought I was, and they won't want me. Or I won't fail them for a long time but I won't like me any more, and then I won't want to be there. Then I would try to escape. That would be bad. When I run away from things I make a mess of everything, and hurt everybody, most of all myself.
If I don't do what they want, then they may find me unacceptable. Unacceptable is bad, mainly because I fear that I am.
Most of all, I fear being useless. Not counting for something. Being "wishy-washy". Looking at God and seeing nothing at the end of life that I can give to him, to thank him for giving me life. I don't want to waste it all.
© Focal Point Yarra Valley 2009